I “cracked” last week. No, I didn’t have a total-breakdown, but I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted, so I “cracked“. I hadn’t slept much in almost a week. It seemed that my world has come crashing down around my ears, and I couldn’t handle it any more, so I “cracked” – at the VA, in a nurse’s office. I’m grateful that I had SOMEONE to talk to who cared, because the doctor I was there to see only cares about NUMBERS – LAB NUMBERS. He couldn’t care less that I hadn’t slept much in almost a week. Taking care of me otherwise is “not-his-job“, “not his department“… That is what I have “other doctors” for….
It wasn’t “fun” sitting there admitting that I was “at the end of my rope“. I am supposed to be “tough” because I am a MAN, and men are “tough“. We don’t “feel” because we are not ALLOWED to “feel“. Our emotions and emotional-needs don’t matter, because we are MEN, and that is what we have been taught from the time we were wee toddlers: “Big-boys don’t cry“, “Suck it up buttercup!“, “Be a MAN!“… What if I am tired of being “tough“?
As I think back a few days, I did the right thing, because I AM tired of being “tough“. This year has been one emotional-onslaught after another. Now, my brother in is Intensive Care in the hospital having had surgery to remove a significant part of his foot, all because his foot hadn’t been properly cared-for when he was in a Rehab center. Oh, and I am only a month away from the twentieth “anniversary” of Connie’s tragic-suicide. When will it end?
If I could, I would gladly take the place of my brother, because he has a beautiful young daughter who badly needs her dad. I don’t WANT to have to be there in his place when she graduates from High School, but I will, if I have to. I don’t WANT to have to be there to walk her down the aisle when she gets married, but I will, if I have to. I am no “replacement” for her dad. I can only be a “stand-in“, but I can’t “replace” him. I would much rather be there beside her mom and dad enjoying those times with them. Yes, I love her, but I am not her dad.
Yes, I have people who “care” about me, or so they say, but where are they when I need them? I can’t burden my poor sister with my struggles because she has a more-than-full plate dealing with my brother’s problems AND trying to care for and raise a soon-to-be “young-lady“(tweenager). Everyone I know has their own struggles, so they don’t have the time or energy to help me with mine. On top of everything else, a hurricane went through Florida less than two weeks ago (Irma). So, I am “stuck“, “stuck” dealing with my own problems as best I can, while trying to appear as “normal” (whatever that is) as possible, so I write, or try to write, hoping that this doesn’t sound to inane.
BTW, I still haven’t had a “good” night’s sleep in almost two weeks…