No Easy Answers…

I penned this piece several months ago, and posted it in a suicide-survivor support group on Experience Project. If you, or someone you know, has ever lost a loved-one to suicide, the sentiments expressed here will be familiar.

I wish I could say that suicide is very rare, but judging from how many people have joined this group, suicide is far too common. People…loved-ones…take their own lives every day. Suicide has become a tragic epidemic, with no end in sight. I, too, am a suicide survivor. My story is told here also. The common thread that runs through every story…every experience…is WHY? Why did your loved-one…my wife…commit suicide. There are no easy answers…

I wish I could provide answers to everyone who has lost a loved-one to suicide, but I can’t, because the answers aren’t easy. I wish I could make everyone’s pain go away, but I can’t even make my own go away. In some ways, my pain is as fresh as it was the day my wife took her life. I am still living with the fallout of what she did. Sixteen years later, my kids still will have nothing to do with me. My family was destroyed by suicide. While a person might understand why someone with a chronic or terminal illness would want to be out of their misery, what about deep emotional pain, that they have hidden from sight for many years? I believe deep emotional pain drove my wife to take her own life.

We were having some family problems, and my wife blamed herself for them. She may have been partly at fault, but I was just as much a part of our problems as she was, because I was the man of the house. I was dad… She and I had become emotionally distant from each other, and besides putting a strain on our relationship, it caused relationship problems with our kids. Some “friends” and relatives had stuck their noses where they didn’t belong, and they only made matters worse. One brother-in-law admitted to threatening to kill me, not just once, but three times. I am sure all of that weighed heavily on her mind when she decided to take her own life.

My wife’s suicide was preplanned…premeditated, and all she was waiting for was for one event to happen…our oldest daughter getting her driver’s license. Our oldest daughter got her license on Tuesday, and my wife committed suicide the next day…

I believe she thought that when she committed suicide, our family would pull back together, but the exact opposite happened. Our family…as a family…was destroyed, in large part due to the interference by “friends” and family. While they were pointing fingers at me for her death, they had more to do with it than they will ever admit, and in some ways, more to do with it than I did.

Answers…answers…answers…only God knows all the answers. There are no easy answers, because people and their motives aren’t easy to understand. All I can hope and pray for is that your experience wasn’t as bad as mine…that your answers come easier. Otherwise, there are no easy answers.

Have you ever painted a smile on your face, while you were crying inside? I did, and still do…



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